I think I'm Crazy...

[Chelsea]

I feel super self-conscious talking about this, so I'm going to keep it vague. But basically.. I feel like I have some sort of depression, but at the same time, I don't really fit the description, and I'm just really confused.

When I read about depression, it seems like depression is this cloud of sadness that makes it hard for you to feel happy, even in good situations. But for me, I am happy.. usually.. It's just that when I get sad, I get really freaking sad.. and I get sad easily... I jump to conclusions and start thinking everyone hates me and I have no friends and my life is going nowhere and I'll just cry for hours about all of this stuff that I essentially make up. I think about suicide a lot, but I've never actually tried it or self injured or anything. When I'm "normal" I realize that these thoughts are completely irrational and I think, "Well, I just won't do that next time," but every time "next time" comes, I do the same thing.

I feel dumb saying I think it's depression, because I feel like I'm just making excuses.. I'm an adult and I should be able to control my mood, but I just can't, and there needs to be a reason why...

So, I was wanted to know what other people thought of all of this. If you think I'm just hypersensitive and need to get my emotions in check, be honest and let me know. If you've had experience with depression or you want more details and think you can help, feel free to message me.

[Ryan]

I do not believe this is depression - rather it seems that your emotions are on steroids. Your best bet would be to talk to someone about what you're feeling and write in a journal. Getting your thoughts down on paper or talking with someone about them lessens their continual impact on the psyche.

[neilgdickson]

May 27, 2011 22:52:19 GMT -5 Chelsea said:

But for me, I am happy.. usually.. It's just that when I get sad, I get really freaking sad.. and I get sad easily... I jump to conclusions and start thinking everyone hates me and I have no friends and my life is going nowhere and I'll just cry for hours about all of this stuff that I essentially make up. I think about suicide a lot, but I've never actually tried it or self injured or anything. When I'm "normal" I realize that these thoughts are completely irrational and I think, "Well, I just won't do that next time," but every time "next time" comes, I do the same thing.

Awww, don't worry. *hugs* Years ago, for a couple years, I felt similarly. I may not have been to the level of what's called "manic depression" or "bipolar disorder", where there are both episodes of extreme depression and episodes of extreme happiness, but it was in that general direction.

A difference is that I thought depression was what I deserved, and just tried to ignore that thought when not in a depression episode, but similarly made absurd rationalizations of it based on the completely false assumption that all the people around me were sane, perfectly rational, and not horrible people. Thankfully, that fell apart when 1) I met with a psychologist who basically said "Of course you're depressed! I'd be depressed too if people treated me like that!" and 2) I no longer had to be around the people who treated me like crap or thought they had to walk on eggshells around me. As such, I haven't been depressed in over 8 years.

I feel dumb saying I think it's depression, because I feel like I'm just making excuses.. I'm an adult and I should be able to control my mood, but I just can't, and there needs to be a reason why...

So, I was wanted to know what other people thought of all of this. If you think I'm just hypersensitive and need to get my emotions in check, be honest and let me know. If you've had experience with depression or you want more details and think you can help, feel free to message me.

It's alright to feel whatever you feel. The last thing you need is to feel worse by thinking you're making other people feel worse, as I once did. If some (REAL) issue is strongly correlated with the things you're thinking about when you're depressed, it may help to conclusively address such an issue, if feasible. I say "REAL" because it is all too easy to blame oneself, which only makes things worse, hiding the true issues. For me, finishing high school pretty conclusively resolved any problematic issues that weren't already resolved.

Even though I wasn't depressed from Grade 12 on, it took years to come to terms with what I went through. I still haven't fully come to terms with that society as a whole is so heavily dominated by 1) people who actively seek pleasure in the suffering of others, 2) people who willingly find pleasure in the suffering of others, and 3) people who willingly accept the suffering of others. A simple example is the Stanford Prison Experiment (video below), but the same principle can be observed everywhere from the schoolyard to banks and other giant corporations effectively enslaving the general population. The few people who are willing to speak out against horrible acts are easily overwhelmed by the people who prefer to just go along with them (or who have been fooled into thinking they're not horrible acts by the guilty). That's why the world needs Nerdfighters!

[bombmaniac]

depression does not necessarily include the inability to be happy...now im not gonna diagnose you but if you think there may be a problem you should see someone and talk to them

[Chelsea]

Serious advice from Asher? What is this I don't even.. but yeah, that's the part that gets me.. I've heard people say that having depression doesn't mean that you're just sad all the time, but the internet disagrees.. Stupid internet...

I guess I kinda posted this haphazardly.. I'm not gonna be home for the summer, and I was thinking about mentioning it to my parents before I left :\

You have a point Ryan.. I've kinda tried that stuff before, but noncommittally, so maybe I can commit to it for a few months and see how that works.

And thanks a lot Neil.. it's nice to see that someone gets it and can give advice from that perspective. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

[bombmaniac]

yup serious advice from me...im very familiar with the subject...and ive written a bunch about it too

[Cortney]

I know exactly how you feel. As a matter of fact, the only reason I'm reading this is because Rob told me to check out it - he knows I have the same problem.

I've been seriously depressed before so I know it's not really depression. I guess it's like my mind drifts to negative thoughts and I can't escape them. When I'm distracted I feel totally fine and happy. However, when I do think of the things that make me "depressed" I can't drag my mind elsewhere. At least, not easily.

I started a new folder on my computer called "venting". Basically, when something comes to mind that has this effect on me, I sit down and start typing maniacally (Rob witnessed this happen once and said I was attacking my keyboard). I just type whatever comes to mind. This helps me let go of the thought holding me down and move on. Sure, I've come back to the same thoughts multiple times, but I keep writing about them. Eventually you'll have nothing else to say and it'll be a lot easier to think about other things and to stay happy.

If it's not just a thought that makes you sad, but rather you emotionally overreact to things (trust me, I do this too) then all I can say is I'm still working on that issue. Rather than focusing on why the issue is making you sad, list reasons why it SHOULDN'T make you sad (or at least, not as sad as you're feeling). If you think about having no friends, then list the friends you do have. If you don't consider them to be close friends think about how you can BECOME close friends with them. I'm still a hypocrite for giving this advice, but focus on the good of the situation rather than the bad. I'm trying to work on it too so I know exactly how you feel / will feel.

You can always message me on Facebook if you need something. =)

[epicnoobguy]

Go out get sunlight drink lots of liquids sleep earlier watch more tv that relaxes you instead of making you sad or angry and have swear words in it

[Chelsea]

Wow.. thanks so much guys.. You're all so smart and helpful :3
I'm gonna try everything you said and see how I hold up for the next few months. *fingers crossed*

[Rob]

I wish you the best, Chelsea. Just DFTBA! =D

[Ricky]

Probably shouldn't be listening to any advise that comes out of the internet, even this forum (sorry guys, I know you mean well). Don't wait a few months, If you feel like its really affecting your life its a better idea to just consult a professional. Most schools, even in Universities, have people that you can talk to about these kinds of issues. That being said, it all depends on the way you feel, some of the time just talking about it, in detail, with your family, or partner, helps.

Anyways, I really hope you start feeling better, and know that you have people here who care about your well-being, and like Rob said, DFTBA :]

[Chelsea]

Haha, Thanks Ricky, but I've had this problem for 5 or 6 years.. A few more months won't kill me. And it's not like a constant thing. I've been thinking about it because I had a big breakdown about 3 weeks ago, but it's also possible that I don't even have another breakdown in the next few months. So, I'd rather use that as a last resort and only get professional help if I absolutely can't do something about it on my own.

[bombmaniac]

actually im gonna disagree with you on that chelsea...because as you said youve had this problem for 5-6 years, and im assuming that youve had other breakdowns during that time. so basically (and imn ksure you already understand this) the problem is always there, the question is whether or not it manifests. or at leas thats the way you see it now...if it manifests THEN youll worry about it...but trust me thats not a good policy. it may be a pain, and there may be a stigma associated with seeing psychologists/psychiatrists but trust me you want to. youre probably not gonna read it (and pardon the errors, its a rough draft) but click the link below if you wanna read a very good article (written by me, of course,) on teh subject of postponing psychiatric treatment because of inconvenience or stigma.

d.pr/qOvn

anyway as i was saying..i have a similar problem. i say similar because im USUALLY fine...but every couple of weeks ill get kinda down...and then after around 3 weeks of that ill usually just be fully depressed for around a week...and then ill snap out of it. ive told myself numerous times that i should go see someone about that, but i never get around to it. one time i even made the arrangements but then never followed up because a week later i was all better. i know that im not "all better" in reality, but as long as the problem doesnt manifest, i sweep it under the rug.

i can tell myself intellectually that im wrong, that i should seek treatment, but i always come up with excuses and trust me...when im down...i seriously regret it. but then a week later im back up again and all thoughts of treatment are gone from my mind. you dont wanna do that chelsea...trust me. if you can, go get the help you need.

oh and one other thing...the effects of depression arent limited to the period of its manifestation. while youre depressed your view of the world is a little warped, you view things through a clouded lens. therefore there are people who you may otherwise like, and memories that you would otherwise fondly recall that can be distorted into hateful and angry memories. and that person that you would otherwise like can become your worst enemy, in your mind, just overnight. and that doesnt go away with the depression. that can stay with you even after youve stabilized...leaving you with serious quandaries and contradictions about people and past events in your mind. so its not just weeks of your time swept under the rung...it could be years, and people you love that get lost in the process.

[Chelsea]

But for me, it's not like a continuous thing.. It's like a few hours of intense sadness and then I snap back to happy (or sleep off the sadness and wake up happy as a clam).

I don't know.. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the past year.. At home, I had people that were constantly bringing me down and I had these breakdowns on a weekly basis. I came to college and didn't have to deal with those people, so for a few months I really thought those thoughts/feelings were completely gone. Now they just kinda happen occasionally and I don't feel connected to them. Like before, I was just flat-out unhappy and when I had breakdowns it was normal. But now I feel like I couldn't possibly have those breakdowns.. like it's a completely different person. And now when I'm having them, at least part of me sees that it's irrational. Even if I don't listen to that part of me, I can faintly hear it. Maybe with some work, I can train myself to listen to that voice and stop the breakdown before it gets serious.

I know you guys are trying to help, and I'm really thankful for that, but I don't think trying new ways of dealing with it (esp. from Cortney, who has also had this problem) for a few months is going to cause any harm.

[bombmaniac]

well as for the irrational part...intellect and emotions are 2 VERY different departments but again...telling yourself that the breakdown or depression is irrational only buries a possible problem, it does nothing to rectify it. i can understand your wanting to wait for a couple of months (and i dont think you should...) but you should at least plan, at some point, to see someone.

[Chelsea]

I know I should.. but it's been 3 weeks since anything has happened, so by now I'm just like "Me? Depressed? Lolno." Even though I remember it and deliberately talk about it, I feel too detached from it to say it's MY problem and do something about it. My dad is coming to visit in July, and if at that time I still feel (or rather, once again feel) that it's an issue, I plan to tell him then. It's only like 5 weeks and it's probably better to say something in person anyway...

[bombmaniac]

yeah probz...iof youre not gonna see a professional at least talk to SOMEONE IRL about it

[Chelsea]

I have! One of my friends is crazy, too, (well, in a different way. But she's diagnosed crazy) so I talked to her about it first and she's the only reason I've been able to talk about it at all. But yeah... don't you worry about that