Jokes for audition

[Joey]

So my school is doing a comedy, and for the audition, all you need to have prepared is a joke, then some cold reads. So the joke is the really only way to stand out a ton. A longer joke that has a kicking punch line would be best, and of course, appropriate.


Auditions are Tuesday so sooner is better. Thanks!

[Raydawn]

penis!!!! best joke : D

[Niek]

You know, everyone nowadays has a cell phone.
It's like their lives orbit around that rectangular piece of steel...and it's not even a sphere!
I can’t disagree though…I’m one of those people that just can’t part with their phone.
Every few minutes I’ll be checking my phone. (mimes checking phone) Oh look! I have…zero missed calls, zero new texts, the facebook frontier is quiet…
Then I remember I’ve had zero incoming calls, zero texts, and I have three friends on facebook: mom, dad, and grandma. I used to have four but then grandpa died.
Anyways, I’ll still be sitting there, or standing there, no difference, with my phone, just messing around with it.
I have one of those sliding phones…(towards audience) how many of you guys have those sliding phones?
Well you guys know how addicting it is to just slide the phone back and forth? *click, clack, click, clack*
It’s lots of fun until suddenly, I get a call from my mom wondering why I called. *hello? Oh hi mom….no I didn’t mean to call you…no I’m not at a bar right now…yes I know I don’t have a boyfriend…no need to rub it in…no! do not set me up with someone! Um I really have to go um…make dinner. Yes, at 2AM! Love you (shake head mouthing not really). Bye!*


Later on, I’m going to bed…getting real sleepy…*ALERT ALERT. ALERT ALERT*
I jumped out of bed, wide awake, grab the gun I always keep by me in case my feelings get hurt or something...you know.
I’m going around corners like they do in the movies, looking all cool like James Bond in his dino jammies.
I get the the room where I still hear *ALERT ALERT. ALERT ALERT!* going off…and I realize it was my phone.
Nothing like a text alert full volume at 3 in the morning to get the blood flowing!
I checked my phone to find that someone actually texted me! It was…my mother.
I read her message. It said that grandma died. My first thought: "Damn! Now I only have two friends on facebook."

Loads more here, just pick the one you like: www.icomedytv.com/Comedy-Scripts/Funny/ViewType/Humorous/31/Comedy-Monologues.aspx

[pyroboy007]

here's one:
a man hates his wife for robbing him penniless, so he asks a friend for advice. The friend tells him to open a large life insurance policy on his wife with him as the benefactor, and then find some way to kill her. The man agrees, and this same friend hooks him up with a nefarious underworld character known only as "Artie." Artie agrees to kill the wife for 10,000 dollars, but the husband tells him that he can't pay him until after he gets the life insurance payout. Artie demands some sort of down-payment, so the man looks in his wallet and finds a lone dollar bill. Artie reluctantly takes that and starts following the wife around. He follows her into a Safeway, into a secluded isle where he strangles her to death. Coincidentally, the manager happens to walk by, and, not wanting any witnesses, Artie strangles him, too. Unknown to him, a security guard was watching the whole thing. The police catch Artie soon after and the news swarms all over it.



wait for it....







The next day in bold letters on the front page of the newspaper is the following headline: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway!"

[Jackson]

So I was in the store the other day, and there was a blind man in there, with a golden retriever as his guide. So, this guy, he picks up his golden retriever by the tail and starts spinning him around over his head. I asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" He replied, "Just takin' a look around."

HAHA! IZ FUNNY!



Or maybe I'm just stupid.

[newschooled]

You can NEVER go wrong with:

"This blows more than..."

And then follow up with some recent pop culture blunder or celebrity doings.

For example:

"This weather blows more than Paris Hilton's chewing gum" (...And ofcourse, if you're up do date on celebrity happenings, COMEDY!)

Edit:

If that doesn't work, just pick up one of these bad boys...