Advice if you may...

[ahrimar]

So here is a story, a long one if you have the patience to read it, and interesting one, as I might say, that I need your opinion on....

I have been, doing alot of thinking and soul searching, and trying to figure out how I can be me. Or a better me, or to get back the way I am.

I have come to 3 things. My vices. The things that take riority over anything in my life and here they are.

1. Nicotine.
2. Alcohol.
3. Women.

Now, let me tell you a story of why I think those things are important.


Back when I was 17. Still in high school, still a virgin. Never drank, hadnt smoked in 5 years, I got a job. And the job was good. I ended up owning a 1989 Dodge Daytona ES Turbo with a 3 speed automatic drag transmission that had 120 PSI of boost. Very fast car. And also, a 1984 Mazda RX-7 that I built up to beat Corvettes and Mustangs and almost anything in a quarter mile. There came in the first girl I ever dated. For me and her to have a good life together, I joined the Air Force. Well.... That ended shortly. How did it end? I got kicked out of the Air Force, I lost all my cars, and my sweet job that was waiting for me, I started smoking.

After that came a long while of depression and self destruction. But, once I got over that, I got another amazing job. During which, I had my own place. A car that got 38MPG, a truck that could tow anything, and a motorcycle. Then I found a girl. While the first 6 months were happening, i still had my job. I furnished our apartment with amazing furniture, i bought a PS3 when they first came out, a Sony surround system, a very nice Sony HDTV, 2 computers, digital cameras, camcorders, and a few other things.

How did that end? I started drinking. I walked away with clothes. Thats right, only the clothes I had. After that, I spent about a year jumping from friend to friend with a bad job, trying to get my license back (oh yeah, i even lost that in the relationship) trying to figure out what to do. And then my parents offered me a chance to start over.

Move To Texas.

So I did. I moved here. Started a new life. What did i accomplish? A truck, a boat, and a Harley. Also went and got my class A CDL with every endorsement. Then I met another girl.

And it was amazing for a while. But then i sold my boat to help us and her kids. Yeah, she had 3 kids. And then i sold my truck and gave her the money to buy a car. I still had my bike. There was some money left over so i splurged, i bought a Motorola Droid. The only thing i was able to get when I was with her. How did that end? I got kicked out of our apartment to the street, my motorcycle gone, clothes and my Droid.

Ive been smoking more and drinking almost every night. And so far, the crappy job I've got, has managed to pay my rent, phone bill and by the miracle of my stepdad been able to afford me an Endure motorcycle. I cant ride it though because I cant afford tags for it but, I do have it.

Oh and the place I live now, pretty much a stranger took me in to his house, and now, he has grown to be my best friend. Rent is cheap, I dont nearly make anything what i used to (I barely get 900 a month, sucks doesnt it?) and well.... I finally have a computer again. Thank you Aarons.

So. Im thinking. Should I swear off all my vices? Nicotine, Alcohol and Women? To me, it really sounds like a good idea. But I know, cigarettes calm me down, Alcohol helps me sleep, and Women, make me happy?

So, I ask you this, what am I afraid of? What should I do? Other people I can figure out easily. Myself, well thats a mystery to me. And I want to know what to do, I need to know. I cant continue on this self destructive patter that I have been on.

Hell, the only girl Ive found lately that I wouldn't mind being with, is.... Well, really impossible to have.

So tell me tribe. What do you think? Is there a way I can break out of this mess, is there a way for me to sleep every night without drinking, is there a way for me to keep my stress down without smoking and is there really a way, that can keep me as happy as I would be if i was in love with someone?

You know, now that I look at it, it sounds simple. But, here is this.

I was born in europe. In a country where chivalry and being a gentleman are hand in hand. I was born to make a woman happy. I live for that. I spent 14 years in that country. And then, the last 9 have been in the states. I've learned that the majority of guys here are selfish pricks.

And no, I know, there is many of us nice guys, perfect guys out there. Like Dan. Hes awesome. But we get trampled on, and walked on like no other. But me, I am like no one you have ever met. I am the perfect gentleman, the most chivalrous guy, but I know how not to appear too weak.

I have decided to give up smoking and drinking. I know its going to lead to a very difficult few months. But I know I can do it. But what about the women part?

Everyone has a soul mate. I know this. Am I just tired of searching for mine, or does she not exist?

I know, the answer is that she probably is out there somewhere. And I want to scream and shout and cry to the world to show her to me. Because I can pretend to be happy by myself, but I know, deep down, that without her, I am nothing, but the few skills I have.

So tell me tribe, what do you think? What can I do or what should I? I love opinions, I love thoughts. I might come off as a prick, or a snob, or an ass, but I guarantee, I am a person who loves input and criticism.

Please, tell me. I am lost. I really don't have anything to lose anymore, and I don't want to loose myself.

[frazzledog]

I don't know the whole story, even though you have told us plenty, but it sounds like you fall for the wrong women. Especially the last one you were with. You also seem to get too involved too fast. So it might not be the wrong women, but maybe the wrong approach? how long were you in each relationship before it was over?

[ahrimar]

Lets see, first relationship was 2 years 3 months. Second, bout a year and a half. And the third was a little over a year.

[Skwiggs]

Moderation is the key to all of these. you defiantly seem to "burn the candle at both ends" when you feel good about yourself.. only to crash in the darkness when you run out of candles

If your asking about which vices to give up (or possibly the order in which ) drop the Alcohol first. (it will be tough but) You'll learn how to sleep without it and all it does is rob your wallet, make you feel worse the next day, and is usually marks you as someone not to get serious with (as your judgment will be all off) I stopped drinking daily about 10 years ago and things just started working right in my life soon afterwards

You've bounced back many times, and i'm sure you have another bounce in ya. If you learn to like yourself more (and not depend on another person/vice for your happiness) you won't fall as far from a setback.

i'll get off my soapbox here and stop preaching

[ahrimar]

See, since at this moment in my life i have no woman, i just tonight got a second job at my favorite bar to run their karaoke nights. And i have a chance to buy a Honda Goldwing motorcycle for a really really good price.

Giving up drinking is gonna be sooo much harder now.

[daftbryan]

It does sound like you fall for the wrong women, but we don't know the entire story, having not experienced your life.

My advice to you is just to find a good friend. Not necessarily a girlfriend but any guy or girl that you can consider a friend (that way you set up some kind of a support for yourself). And all you can really do from there is try hard.

I just realized that that may have come off really harsh, but it was meant to be advice, not to belittle you. Best of luck.

[ahrimar]

You know, you never belittled me. I have fallen for the wrong women. But all of those three, I set some ridiculous standards for myself and actually found women that fit them.

I'm talking about, girls that you would never dream of dating because they would be so far out of your league, you would have to be famous to date them. And yet, I still got them.

Ok, I am so going to quote a movie, but you know the guy that can walk into a bar and pick up any girl there? I'm that guy, on crack. Where ever I am, if I want to, I can pick up a girl. And not just for a one night stand, I can pick up a girl for a relationship, just from that one night. And, surprisingly, it will not be based on sex.

I think the biggest problem for me is that, deep down inside, I am a true romantic. When I do have a girl that is mine, I do all the things you dream about and see in movies. But thats how I grew up. Thats just what I know.

I'm the guy they see on the motorcycle that gets into a bar fight, has all the tattoos on his arms, but never treats his girl like trash.... I have always treated the girls I have been with as.... Well, I don't even know. They are more than just girls, they are something else.

And I'm not talking about the standard of putting the girl on a pedestal of a princess that you show off to friends. I am talking about something different.

The only way I can think about is this.....



It is one thing to tell a girl that she is beautiful, but something else to show her. And that is what I do.

[pyroboy007]

I know this sounds strange, but stop "dating." when people go on dates, they are always going to be on their best behavior. this means that you don't get to know their flaws until it is far too late and the relationship is toast. Certainly it's good to share a fancy meal now and then, but if you want to truly get to know her you need to spend time with her in all circumstances. At her parents' house. with her friends. at home alone together. with her siblings. and throughout it all, you should be asking yourself: "would I want to share the rest of my life with this person? what character flaws does she have that I aggravate?"

as for the alcohol and cigarettes, just remember that they are a temporary solution to a long term problem. Remember that no matter what you do you can only find true happiness by finding true contentment. That takes a conscious effort. you need to realize that you don't "need" all these things in life. Contentment is a state of mind, and no one can tell you how to reach it.

"Oh but if I only had a (insert material thing here), then I would be happy" you say. That will never happen. you will always want one more thing. things don't make you happy, people, relationships, and memories do. people can be content in all walks of life.

As far as work goes, if you work well and work to make your boss look good (instead of making yourself look good), you will be a wanted man (in a good way) and you will gain trust with your boss, making him more likely to trust you with a new position. Even if you don't know what you are doing, if you show that you are openly eager to learn everything about it, they will still appreciate you. On a side note, Have you considered getting an internet/ebay business? they're all the rage these days.

as for your addictions, find someone that you see every day and ask them to keep you accountable. if they smell alcohol on your breath or smoke in your clothes, they will confront you about it. also there are many different ways to get rid of addictions if you have a few bucks to spare (which you don't)

Some financial tips:
never buy anything new. as soon as you use something for the first time, it looses a large percentage of value. let someone else take that hit.
every paycheck, find a way to save some money for a "hard times" fund.
learn to cook from scratch. buying pre-made and processed foods are much more expensive in the long run than making your own food. I could recommend a few simple recipes if you like. Besides, it's healthier for you.
write down a list of every dollar you spend for a month. Then prioritize every single item. Eliminate the ones that you don't need (i.e. a coke you bought on the way home from work).


Hope this helps!

[ahrimar]

You know, I never bought anything new in life. I worked for every little thing I have, well except for my Droid. That is the only thing that I have bought was new.

Here is what I have decided. Tonight is going to be the last night that I smoke or drink. And I'm giving those things up cold turkey without any help. And, I'm going to document it. Have you ever seen or really heard of what a person goes through when giving something up that is very addictive to them?

I have not. I've just read about it. All I really know, is that the first 3 days are the hardest. So, I'm gonna document it all. I wonder if anyone else beside me would find something like that interesting?

[pyroboy007]

That's great! just make sure you have someone that is close to you help keep you accountable. whenever you are feeling the urge, don't hesitate to tell us and talk through it. sometimes, it helps to just get something off your chest.

[Skwiggs]

you tubing the journey is a great way to keep track of your goal AND to pass the time you'll have. Best of luck to ya.